Superman has Leukemia

I just recently found out that my father has Leukemia.  What is Leukemia?  For him it has to do with a low white cell count and how there is not enough white cells to combat red cells etc.  Bottom line he has cancer and has less than a year to live.  How is that possible? My dad is superman; he is the model I use to determine how I conduct myself in my daily life.

He has survived going to internment camp during WWII, a 5 artery bypass at the age of 52, 36 years of smoking "Kent" cigarettes, a Stent put in about 9 years ago and a heart value replacement surgery last July.  So why am I surprised that he has less than a year to live?   I guess because I am not finished learning from him.

I flew into town Friday morning and was dropped off at the hospital by my sister to see my dad.  My mom and sisters were making various arrangements for post hospital care and/or working so it was just my father and myself.  Our relationship has never been one where we sit around and talk about everything under the sun.  He is a man of few words, you just have to make sure you pickup the meanings.  I remember when we had the "talk" about the facts of life.  It was short and I remember being uncomfortable and he says to me "are we good".  I said yes being relieved that then I could go learn the street version from kids who have no idea what they are talking about.  Truth be told we didn't have to get into much detail on that topic.  My parents raised me a particular way and I think if done right then generally better judgements are made.  You can't go instructing your kids on every situation anyway.

So it was just my dad and me for 3 hours.  Generally it's a fair amount of silence, then some conversation about baseball (he's a Yankee fan and I am a Dodger fan) and then he makes sure that I have a job (because he doesn't me to be a drag on society).

This time it was different.  And this is how we both realize that the end is near.  The conversation ranged from how I almost got kicked out of grammer school, to how I was able to break two windows of the house on consecutive days to how the country is going to hell.

At times he was hard to understand.  Time has taken a toll on him.  He was a solid 190 lbs when he was younger.  Now he is 145 lbs with sores all over.  He asked me at one point..."So how do you keep getting jobs when there are so many people out of work?".  He then said "well you must be leaving a good footprint".  That phrase was probably the best compliment I have ever received.  That could have meant dozens of things.  I believe it meant that I lived my life the way he always taught me.

The things that I do just like my father:

Composure - I never lose my composure.  That's been interpreted as "unemotional".  It's just how I was taught as the leader of the family to be the one who's strong in a time of crisis.

Being Humble - I am always to first to deflect credit and allows others to take credit.  I just don't need the accolades.  Its not important to me.  How do others view you, that's how people will remember you, not how much you talk about yourself.

The difficult part of this entire situation is my mother.  My sisters and I have talked in the past how if my mom died first that my dad would go right away.  She is my dad's only friend that's just the way it worked out.  We always figured my mom could live for years after my dad's passing.  I think that solutions sounds all too easy until I had a conversation with my mom that went like this on the phone before I arrived.

"mom, how was dad feeling?"
"Hi Danny oh he's struggling it seems like something comes up every day"
"how are you doing?"
"you know what it's so quiet in the house you live with someone for 60 years and you don't realize what it would be like without them..."

The only time in a movie it seemed ok to cry

I haven't cried since I was young.  Part of the composure is my dad saying to me that "men don't cry" many times as a youngster.  So I learned to keep it in.  This includes funerals for relatives etc.  It's not that I don't care it's just that I am programmed to keep my head.  It's always been my responsibility I guess.  Hearing my mom say that one phrase broke through all that.  Letting my emotion out uncontrolled has always felt like a weakness to me.

My parents have been married over 60 years and when I am visiting it seems that they don't say alot.  The TV is on and one of them seems to always be napping.  But regardless if my mom goes to the other room to watch Fox News because my dad is sleeping watching the Yankees they are still together.

So now we are at this point in early 2013.  All parties have pretty much reconciled that this will be his last year on this earth.  The doctors say 3 months without any treatment.  With low level Chemotherapy the chances are he lives 8 months +.  They say there is a 50/50 chance of remission but I am sure many of those in the 50% positive category are much younger without my fathers medical past.

We are proceeding with the Chemotherapy (but only once my dad was assured that medicare and the supplement would cover it).  My dad then said to me:

"you know Danny it's been good I am ready for whatever happens now"
"Well see how the Chemo goes dad, you might be feeling a lot better"
"My job is complete here.  All 4 of you (my sisters and I) are working and none of you ever got in trouble"
"It's the only thing we know dad"....