All that glitter is litter

Some time ago I was asked to sign a card for a coworker. Unbeknownst to me as I opened the card a pile of glitter fell out of the card and onto my body. Now anyone that has come in contact with glitter knows that once it hits you it's virtually impossible to get it off of you. Trying to wipe it off, showering, dermabrasian..none of it works. The only sure fire solution is a good 3rd Degree burn in the Glittered area.


Then it hit me...Glitter is the Herpes of Arts and Crafts...once it touches you, you can never get rid of it.

Like Herpes, Glitter has many horrible side effects the most obvious one is the incredibly bad album by Mariah Carey "Glitter"

Unfortunately the United States has not addressed this issue but luckily our neighbors to the north, Canada has an agency that handles this. It's called the "Centers for Glitter Control" or the CGC.



The CGC has put out guidelines for Safe Glitter use. They are as follows:

1) Labeling - All packages containing glitter now have the following symbol on them so you are aware of what you are purchasing.









2) Glitter Outbreaks - Avoid contact with other humans during a "Glitter outbreak"


When Will the Symptoms of glitter Appear? Once you have been exposed to the glitter through direct glitter-to-skin contact, it can take anywhere from two to 20 days before your first episode of symptoms of glitteritis will occur. While the first outbreak of glitter is usually the worst one you will experience, as much as 60% of those infected with the virus will fail to notice any symptoms because the outbreak is so mild. Even if you do not have any symptoms, though, you can still pass on the virus to your Arts and Crafts partners.


3) Wash hands frequently. Glitter will often show up in your nails and your hair etc.















4) Just say no to Glitter when passing around Cards to be signed by Coworkers.

Interviewing Porn Guy

One time I was interviewing candidates for an accounting position at a plant I was managing in San Diego. When we had asked one person what he did in his previous job he replied "well I took the pink copy and signed it and blah blah" I tried to explain that I meant in general what he did not step by step. He looked at me paused and continued "then I took the white copy"....

So at that moment I was already laughing. So the next guy comes in and he has a silk shirt on with a big "I am going to lock my bicycle up later" chain around his neck a hairy chest and his shirt buttons open almost halfway down.



He then proceeds to tell me he wants to be a film maker. The other interviewer and I looked at each other and thought the same thing "those are movie's I will never admit to seeing". As I am talking to the candidate my partner is writing down notes and I am thinking "this guy is a joke why are you writing notes". As I look over my female interview partner is writing things like "kill me now", "I want him" etc.


At that point I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair and actually left the room and never came back. Very unprofessional but necessary at that moment. I had never laughed to the point of actually tearing up until that moment. I could have used one of those Sham wow's it was so bad.

I guess that is what I mean when I say that I live for moments of uncontrolled laughter. P.S. We did not hire him...Can you imagine what a guy like that would wear on "Casual Friday"


Why we have policies covering "Casual Friday's" in Corporate America.

McLovin, McGorgeous, McStrikeout

This was 20 years ago and I was working in San Francisco. We were at a McDonalds and a guy was trying to make the moves on some woman (they were both in line). So we were watching in the same way your might watch a NASCAR race (waiting for the big crash n burn). He seemed to be doing pretty well until he pulled out...Yes the Velcro wallet...








The crackling that a velcro wallet makes when opened almost made that woman's hair stand up. He opened the wallet in slow motion as my friend lunged towards him saying in slow motion "Noooooooo" as he dove to save the gentleman from certain humiliation. You could see it in her face that she was not impressed. That's why my coworkers and I always say "Nothing says I am not getting laid anytime soon" more than a man pulling out the velcro wallet.

Guys Just Don't Get It

A little story from last night at Native New Yorker with Ceasar a buddy of mine from LA Fitness: One often wonders why guys end up with women. Aside from the sex guys just love to hang out with guys to watch sports, play sports etc. No feelings are exchanged, we don't have to "guess what's wrong" etc. However each time an exchange like below happens it all becomes clear why guys want women long term:

Ceasar: Dude did you see that waittress, she likes me.

Me: She doesn't like you I don't know why you always say that this one didn't even look at you.

Ceasar: See you don't get it, she's playing hard to get

Me: Maybe she's not looking at you since you are a grown man wearing an Italian soccer jersey with another mans name on it. And it say's "Totti". You're not 6, you're 40 and we are not at a game you wore that on purpose.

Ceasar: Man you don't get it.

Omaha Nebraska Unplugged

Sunday morning, heading out to Omaha. The good thing is there won’t be anyone at the airport on a Sunday morning. Clearly I haven’t flown out of Phoenix on a Sunday. It was a nightmare. Took me an hour to check my bag. But I made it on the plane and ready to brave the Midwest.

Landing in Omaha was uneventful enough. I worried a little when the first thing I saw coming off of the plane was this sign.

As I was waiting for my luggage I was treated to “that guy”. You know the guy he wears the hat backwards but not just backwards but backwards and to the side. Being the player that he was he had to have a shirt that pretty much let you know what he was all about.

Yes he had what appeared to be a shirt with the logo above. But no, his clever spin on it was a shirt that said “United States Players Service”. Imagine the women he was drawing with that shirt, cargo shorts and a black hat all askew on his head. Not to mention that he was 50 lbs over weight. I know…I know don’t hate the player hate the game.

Ah the hotel, my home away from home for the week. Clearly the company would set me up with an establishment with all the amenities.

The problem is that I appeared to be the only occupant in the hotel. But never fear “Free” wireless internet was available…or so it seemed.

Me: Is the wireless internet free or do I have to pay for it?

Hotel Clerk: No it’s free….but it doesn’t work

Me: What about that computer over there can I use that if I need to?

Hotel Clerk: Yes you can use it but it really doesn’t work as well. This is Iowa honey not sure what you expected (followed by a laugh)

The rest of Sunday was spent visiting Omaha. As you can see by the airport parking it isn't exactly a busy town. The Little King deli was good. Again I was the only one in Omaha on Sunday.

So on Monday night we decided to go hit a local pub and we went to a bar called the Marlybone. Which allowed us to get a round of 6 drinks for $13. Loved the place. We had a good time although we noticed that the bathroom had the old style towel dispenser which was just one long cotton towel that you use and the used part just goes back into the dispenser. Sanitation and keeping germ free took a huge leap backwards at the Marlybone.

Not to mention that is you were somehow trying to reload the used towel back into the dispenser you might incur “serious injury or death” Not sure how a cotton towel is going to cause death. It’s more likely the $2 mixed drinks would do it first. Above is the warning label on the towel "dispenser"

The next night my coworker finished earlier than I did and was waiting for me in front of our hotel. She said to text her when I was on my way. At about 5PM she texted me saying that there was some weird guy out front looking for money and she was worried about her safety. Showing her that Chivalry is not dead that it is just in a deep slumber I replied to her: “can you spot me a few bucks to give to him I only have my debit card”.

Turns out he went up to my coworker mumbling about how he just got mugged and that no one would take any checks and that he just got out of the hospital. He still had his hospital wrist bracelet on and his hospital top. Then at that point he proceeded to sit on the side of the building and plug in his laptop. I guess he was going to google for a business that would take checks. Since muggers apparently don’t take checks or laptops either.

The Clair United Mehodist Church is now holding "SUNDY" school from 9:30 to 10:30 AM.

Apparently in Omaha there are 5 Seasons Summer, Winter, Spring, Fall & Rhubarb.

Al put together I must say I enjoyed my stay in Omaha Nebraska. The kindness of the locals is clearly a Midwest America personality trait that you find nowhere else in the United States.

I love Omaha!